Mr. Finch

With all of the excitement concerning baby bird #2, I forgot to give an update on my growing little man, Finch!! A couple of weekends ago, my little Finch, my best little buddy and partner in crime became a six month old baby boy.

Eek! Did I really just say six months??? I mean, wasn't it yesterday that I was throwing up and dying during my pregnancy for him? Wasn't it just a few hours ago that I held him for the first time, and maybe twenty minutes ago when we took him home for the first time?

This totally just happened, didn't it??

It feels like that and even the many nights we have spent waking up and feeding/diapering him and the many hours of loving service we have shared with him seem like they have just barely happened. I'm not ready for my sweet little man to become a little boy so soon. But, alas, as all children do, they ignore their mommies and grow up anyway.

So in commemoration of his six months, I want to share the fun and wonderful quirks of my sweet little boy.

1. Finch is the happiest kid (and probably person) I know. He always greets me with a smile, and always smiles at anyone (especially, women, the little flirt!) around him. Until you take him away from me and then he stops smiling and starts crying and squealing instead.

2. Finch is very sensitive and intuitive. Whenever anyone is sad or crying he immediately hones in on them and tries to touch them to see if they are okay. He loves to look at other babies and gets so concerned if one is having a hard time. It's pretty much the sweetest thing ever.

3. Finch is so so curious. He is always looking around at everything and observes as much as he can around him. Now that he rolls and scoots, he is grabbing onto things I don't even realize are there and tries to eat them. It freaks me out. When he starts to crawl or walk I am in big big trouble. This kid is going to give me real grey hairs.

Finch, eating leaves....

4. Finch loves water! Giving him a bath gets wetter and wetter for me because he has learned how to scoot to the bottom of his bath chair and then slam his feet into the water so a huge splash goes everywhere. He thinks it the greatest thing since sliced bread and does it over and over until I finally take him out of the water because a) I am soaked through, b) I am afraid he'll suddenly propel himself into the water like the water baby he is, and c) most of the water is out of the tub anyway.

5. Finch loves to sing. I am the assistant ward choir director for our church and Finch loves to sing along with the choir. He squeals and babbles along and has the biggest smile. He loves it when I sing to him, and is so responsive to music. IZ's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is his favorite song and he stops everything he is doing to listen to it. He loves primary songs and "I'm trying to be like Jesus" seems to be his favorite one at the moment.

6. He loves phones. He always wants mine so my mom mailed me an old phone I used in high school and Finch tries to eat it. Whenever he hears familiar voices on the phone (especially his daddy's) he gets so so excited.

7. Finch loves his Daddy. Ben is seriously his best friend and they have so much fun together. They speak the same language and I love to see the friendship those two have.

8. Finch is a "Mama's Boy" and I love it. I enjoy it as much as I can now because I know eventually I will have to let go so he doesn't end up living in my basement when he's 35 taking care of all of my cats. But for now, it's totally fine and okay for him to be my little shadow and to want to snuggle with me and to be held by me whenever it is possible.

9. Finch loves bedtime stories. Reading a story before bedtime is a huge tradition in my family and we have a library of childrens' stories in our house for him. (Go to thrift stores, we got ours for like .25-.50 cents each.) He especially loves, "Where the Wild Things Are", "The Gruffalo", "Georgie the Ghost", "There's a Nightmare In My Closet", and "Alligator Pie". "Alligator Pie" is the funnest one to read as a parent.

10. Finch loves to eat his hands, and toes, and enjoys applesauce. He hates squash, and tried carrots last night and survived. Sometimes when I am naughty I will dip his pacifier in my ice cream and he loves it. Sorry but I'm not sorry. If you see Finch, you'll see that he loves food. He's 18 pounds now and we couldn't be prouder, especially since he had a hard time gaining weight for the first couple of months of his life.

11. If you are ever having a hard day, come see us. Finch will love you until you feel better. I have never felt such a pure and Christlike love like the love Finch has. He is so forgiving, so tender, and so kind. He lights up any room, and when I am having a hard day and don't feel well or I feel like being pregnant is too hard to handle, we snuggle and he helps me to find hope again.

12. He is dramatic. Finch definitely got my flair for being an awesome person until we are freaked out, upset, or unhappy. We get dramatic. We crack up whenever he gets upset because it is very unique and creative and I don't look forward to the temper tantrums we'll have in the grocery store. I guarantee he will reenact a Shakespearean soliloquy and then fall "dead" because he hasn't gotten the cheerios he needs to live. You think I'm being dramatic, but I have found one to take the cake and his name is Finch. We love it though, and I guarantee we will have many years of laughing, crying, sighing, and blushing faces. I can't wait :)

I dub thee, "Sassy Finch"

13. He is a chatterbox. He talks and talks and talks. I love it. He has so much to say and so much to share and I know that he will have so many incredible things to share when he can express his ideas and share his world with me. I love seeing the emotion he has even now when he tries to talk with us, and I look forward to all he will say when he can.

14. He likes monkeys. If you ever want to get him something he likes, he is a monkey man. Oh, and he likes blankets. He likes them all over his face. It freaks me out a lot, but apparently his father is the same way so I guess I'm off the hook, kind of but not really.

15. Finch is super ticklish and has the greatest laugh. It is enough to make you happy and smile even if you have made a contract with the devil to never smile again for a million bucks. You'll smile. We always do :)

So there you go, that's a glimpse into the fun life we share with this magical little person. We love you, Finch, and can't wait for all of the adventures we will share with you. Thank you for making me your Mama, I couldn't imagine a better way to spend my days :)

The Business of Being Born Revisited

So I know that this may a slightly controversial subject for women but I feel like I need to share my experience with watching "The Business of Being Born" after having had a baby. As a disclaimer, I respect both doctors and midwives and am PRO Mothers being able to make their choices in a birthing situation and whether that leads you to a home birth, or a hospital birth I am on your side. Please understand that this is my opinion based off of my experiences and nothing else.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Finch I got this major high of thinking that I was this incredible and fantastic being creating life (Which I was, it's a wonderful thing), but I also felt invincible and started in on my research. Suddenly I wanted to know about every option I had and I wanted to make sure that I was in control of the situation and that my voice was heard above all else as the mother of my child, of course, I knew what was right for both of us. And I know that part of that is the perfect transition a mother takes from being just a woman to suddenly a mother to this tiny, defenseless baby that needs you for absolutely everything. You are given instincts and feelings that help you to know when something is right or wrong.

In my research I found, "The Business of Being Born" which is an incredible documentary that discusses the history of midwifery, and discusses the changes of the maternal healthcare throughout the century in America. I lapped it up and totally sucked it in and even made my poor husband watch it (he wasn't a fan of the actual childbirths, but who is, really). We discussed our feelings about wanting to be heard, wanting to have a voice in the decision making, and the importance of having someone who would respect that. We scheduled a meeting with the local birthing center ran by midwives. I was so excited and once we got there found that they were immediately skeptical that I even knew what I was talking about, that I was as far along as I said (I wasn't very big with my bump, so sue me), and I never felt like they appreciated or understood what I said. I know that I was being evaluated just as much as I was evaluating them, but there was an uneasiness when I left. I am not saying that every midwife is like that and I respect the profession so much. I love that they empower women and that they provide an alternative option for mothers who want a different birthing experience from the hospital.

I was still seriously considering the midwives when we saw our doctor at the office for our first meeting after moving back to Rexburg. It was such a different experience. He listened to my concerns, reviewed my history and immediately encouraged me in what I was doing. I never once felt like he was skeptical of my knowledge or understanding or my ability to know what was right for me or my baby.

Then I left so happy to try to figure out what we wanted. I had watched "The Business of Being Born" a few times by this point and knew it pretty well. I was discussing it with my mother and she felt concerned and wanted to talk to me about it. She shared her experiences in more detail of her deliveries and the troubles she had during her pregnancies. It was hard getting pregnant and the pregnancies were very hard on her body. She told me of some of the complications she had had with me, and also with Daniel and then she told me that she knew that many women could do home births and that they were wonderful, but that for her and her experiences, she felt she had been blessed with doctors who were there when things went bad for her and us as her babies and that she felt things would have gone very differently had she not been with those doctors. She then counseled me to step back and pray about it and to see how I felt.

I am very similar to my mother in many ways, not only in our interests, but our health issues almost always mirror each other and I realized that it could be the same in pregnancy. I knew some things were different with my pregnancy than from hers but not by much and I found that I felt more and more drawn to the doctor and that I felt that perhaps something was going to happen and the more I decided to go with the doctor the more I felt I needed to be with a doctor.

For those who have read my blog entries about my pregnancy know that midway through my second trimester (a few weeks after deciding to go with a doctor) things began to change. I started getting UTI's frequently and they began to trigger early contractions. My blood pressure began to change going from being very low to pre-hypertensive, to finally so high in my third trimester that I was put on bedrest and began to spill proteins and was diagnosed with Preeclampsia. I know that midwives check for those things, but it wasn't until after my delivery that I looked back and realized that our doctor had been a part of our journey for a reason and that we were led to him so that we would have the care we needed.

In my delivery I had to be on my back because my blood pressure was normal if I was on my back and then sky high the moment I sat up. I was in back labor and boy did that suck. My doctor had read and reviewed my birth plan with me in the office and had made sure we followed it. The nurses read it and were very supportive. I wanted to go as long as I could without an epidural and I wanted to be the one to request it not them suggesting it and they followed all of that. I had my water broken to start labor (I had to be induced for my preeclampsia), and then after nothing, I was put on Pitocin and was on it for the rest of the delivery. I was at the point that my contraction were very close together and I was starting to feel uncomfortable that I requested an epidural. Five hours after that, it finally came and I found out that my body was not responding to the contractions and that my cervix wasn't opening. My doctor told me the chances of c-section were higher at this point because my body wasn't responding in a way to allow for labor to commence but that he wasn't done trying to help me have a baby without it and that he didn't want to do that unless it was the last option. He fought to make sure I could have a baby normally. He never pushed it on me to have an epidural, he never told me I was endangering my baby or that I wasn't capable of doing it. He said that we were doing well and that we would keep trying to get it to work. After the epidural and being in labor for five hours at a 10 on the pain scale (even though I had been in labor for 15 or more hours at this point, I was the one rushing them not the other way around) I can say I experienced what natural non-intervention pain wise labor felt like and I can say I don't feel like I owe it to any woman to explain myself as to why I did an epidural. After my epidural my cervix suddenly dilated from a 3-4 to a 10 in two hours. My body had blocked the progress because of the pain and I wasn't progressing until I had a break from the pain. I will never do that to my body again and learned that while some womens' bodies respond to the pain and they are able to work through it, my body could not. Then we found that Finch even at 6 pounds and 15 ounces was too big for my pelvic space and that he was stuck. Luckily with the help of a vaccuum and three hours of pushing we were able to get him out but I still tore and had an episiotomy.

The nurses were so kind and respectful and my doctor was so supportive of my decisions. I felt that I had exactly the right birth for me and for Finch and I feel like I grew and transformed. I never felt like my experience was robbed by modern medicine or that I was manipulated by my medical staff into being sped through the process of having a baby. My doctor even came back to the hospital at 3:30 am to help me deliver the baby rather than suggest a c-section. He was a godsend and an answer to our prayers and the prayers of friends and families.

Now after that huge rant, l I just want to say that I have had very mixed feelings after watching "The Business of Being Born" again. I found that it was very one sided and was very negative towards doctors. I know and have met plenty of doctors who were jerks and those who could care less how I felt about my body, but I know that my doctor was not that way with me with my maternity care and delivery. The nurses did not push me in any way to do anything I didn't want and considering my preeclampsia and the size of my pelvis I am so glad that I felt prompted by the spirit to go with my doctor instead of finding out later that I wasn't going to be able to have a baby in the birthing center with a midwife who already wasn't taking me seriously or to be rushed to the hospital to be with a doctor completely unfamiliar with my history and to probably end up having a c-section because Finch was too big. We were so blessed and I watch this documentary now and feel like it skips over the benefits and the positives of modern maternal healthcare. It talks about the experience of a medicated birth being impersonal and that it is harder for mother to bond with baby after and I found that to be completely untrue. I never felt so connected to a being as I did when I held Finch for the first time in my arms and even though I was filled with Pitocin my Oxytocin was just fine and so were we. I know that my case was a special case and I was a high risk woman, but that shouldn't discount me from having an opinion either.

So like I said, this was my opinion based on my experiences and my experiences alone. I had many friends tell me how beautiful their home birthing or midwifery experience was and that it was transforming for them and I love their stories and fully support their desire to do it again. I know that I have friends who could not respond to epidurals and had to deal with the pains of labor no matter what, and I know that I have friends who had to have c-sections regardless of their preparations for a regular birth.

I strongly encourage any of my friends who are pregnant to watch this documentary because I learned a lot, but I also want to say that it's important to research the other side of it too. Shop for doctors until you find the right one and don't disregard their advice. Not every doctor is out to get you for a paycheck and to ignore your wishes and push you in and out of the hospital but also, not every midwife is going to be the lady of your dreams who respects your feelings or wishes either. Please listen to the spirit or your gut, or the universe if that is what you do and trust in your instincts. I know that I am grateful that I didn't disregard them and that I decided to go with my doctor because it changed my life and I have this beautiful son who is healthy and I was healthy and taken care of.

Now that I am pregnant again, I know that I wouldn't be accepted by a midwife because my chances of preeclampsia are so high and that I wouldn't be able to wait until the end of 40-41 weeks because my baby may be too big to deliver (especially since big babies run in my husband's family) for my pelvis and I know that I am okay with that. We have the same doctor and already he has been so supportive of our decisions and is familiar with our care and history. These are the cards I have been dealt and I will use them the best I can.

I feel at peace with that and I know for me that is right. Just remember that there are pluses and minuses for each method of having a baby and for those who felt that they were robbed of having the birth they wanted I encourage you to find a way to fix that and I hope you find the people to help make your dreams come true whether a doctor, midwife, midwife with doula, or any other professions I have missed. I know that I did, and even though I was induced and had pitocin and an episiotomy, I felt so close to my baby when he was born and the joy I felt in holding him was worth all  of the issues and the struggles and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Follow your hearts and trust that you'll find those who will be there to help.

Childbirth changes you and while it can be so painful and awkward, it was beautiful and I look back and see the beauty of it all (probably because I refused to see what was going on with a mirror, I joke, but not really) and I just hope we support each other as mamas and not push that one side is better or worse but rather just support and love and celebrate this together.

Sincerely, Liz

Surprise!

Hello friends and family :)

Ben and I are so happy and excited to announce that we will have a baby bird joining us May 2015 :)

I have been so worried as to why I've been so sick lately and when we found out what has been causing the fatigue, headaches, and nausea we were very surprised and very thrilled. Because I was having some bleeding when we found out we decided to wait to share our news until we knew everything was okay and though I am being careful, things are going wonderfully, the spotting stopped a couple of weeks ago and I am very sick but grateful for this little one. (Sorry to any friends we hedged on the truth with, we just wanted to be careful considering our past history).

Now I know a lot of you will wonder if this was a surprise or planned and all I will say on the subject is that that is between Ben and I and the Lord. We are thrilled for this little one and even though he or she is coming sooner than we expected we wouldn't have it any other way. Considering my health history and how hard it was to get pregnant with Finch, I will gladly have my babies when they decide to come before I can't anymore.

We are so excited to have the same doctor we had with Finch and feel that we are being so blessed and watched over with what we need.

I am realizing how the Lord has placed angels in my life to help me through this time. Ben is so kind, so selfless and so good to me. I couldn't have asked for a more attentive and considerate husband who does so much to not only help me but to help Finch and to make up the difference of what I can't when I am so sick. Finch is such a sweet little soul who makes my days brighter. When I am sick and can hardly move it can be hard when it is just us at home and Ben is at work, but even then, Finch just snuggles in with me to comfort me when I am in need of little loves. Even my sweet Zola follows me around and is my constant little shadow. Let's just say I am surrounded by love and that makes all of the difference for me with all that is happening.

We found out that my chances of getting preecclampsia are very likely and that we will also have to keep an eye on baby's size because my pelvic space isn't big enough for babies over 7 pounds but we feel confident that the Lord will bless us and our little one with what is needed and that our doctor will continue to take great care of us.

We appreciate your love and support and prayers at this time. If I seem out of it or MIA, I apologize and hope to be more exciting and active once the second semester starts!

Love,

Liz, Ben, Finch, Zola, and Baby Bird #2 :)

*Photos courtesy of Amber Cardinet Photography

To all of my lady friends :)

Hello Peeps!

I am sorry it's been so long since I last posted about the lives of the Davies. We are doing well and are busy with work and are finally settled in at our house. We love it here in Teton, and are glad we found such a great home to make ours :)

I want to give updates on our lives at the moment but feel that this post should really be about something I feel is very important.

As you all know, I shaved my head a couple of months ago to try to find myself and I have been learning a lot about myself in the process. I really miss my hair, and I have found that I still struggle with my self image. While shaving my head shifted my world it didn't remove all of the built in luggage racks of my soul where I have kept a lot of my negative thoughts and habits. I have realized it takes a lot to let such things go and that it may be a lifelong endeavor for me to truly leave such things behind. I have learned though that I am surrounded by the most incredible people who have totally loved and supported me beyond words. I think of how Ben has  been on this journey with me every step of the way and my heart swells when I think of the love he gives me each day. I can't even begin to put into words the joy I have found with my husband and with my son. Finch never looked at me like I was scary or different without hair, but rather just as or more beautiful to him. I think he liked it because we had the same hairdo for a while ;)

So as my project shifts in many ways, I just want to thank you all for your support and say that it isn't over, but I've realized that I still have a lot of work to do and that I am learning new things about myself every day.

Part of what I have found has changed how I see myself the most though is realizing that I do matter to those around me, that I make a difference to my husband, my son, my cat, my family, my friends and peers, and that I am important to Heavenly Father as well. I tend to forget that I have someone who knows me better than anyone else in the world, ( in the universe ) and that He sees me for the incredible person I am today and who I have always been and who I can be. I know that there are those who wonder why I chose to stay at home to raise my son rather than work outside the home, and those who feel that I shouldn't put pressure on my husband to work and go to school  while I am home. I've struggled many times with what I think others think of my choices, but I have learned that I don't care what others think, that I made these choices for my family, with input made and discussed with my husband, and with the inspiration of the Lord in it for what we should do and that while I may not be saving the world one patient at a time as a medical assistant or a doctor, I am shaping and changing the world of my family and that they need me and that I matter to them. I may not be able to do a lot but I know that my husband knows that I love and support him with everything I have in my heart, that I have a son who knows that I would do anything for him and that I love him, and that I have a God who knows I try every day to put aside my pride and my fears and that I try every day to be a better, kinder, more selfless person. The people who matter most to me are affected by me everyday and I do make a difference for them and that I am happy being who I have chosen to be, and that I have found what was missing for years in myself in being a wife and mother.

I forgot that and I often forget that I do make a positive difference in the lives of those around me and that I do matter. I think women tend to forget that we don't have to conquer our lists or the world to be successful and happy and accomplished. That when we just try to be ourselves and to love those around us and we try to share our hearts and kindness and talents that we are changing the worlds of those around us each day. I wish we women knew that and remembered that we do matter and do make a difference and that even and especially the little things are the building blocks to the skyscrapers of our childrens' dreams, our spouses' confidence and support systems, and that we do shift their worlds each day for the better or the worse. That's an incredible thing. It won't put you in Forbes, or Cosmopolitan, or People, Time, or the National Geographic, but it will etch in their hearts and in yours the greatest memories, feelings, and will have lasting consequences. I think of my parents, and of my mother especially, and I know she had so much she could have done as a career woman, but I know that I have always felt loved, I have never felt ignored, and that I have always known that I mattered to her as she stayed home to raise my brothers and myself and that her personal choice to do that made all of the difference to me (I understand that that is not always possible for some families but I speak of my personal experience). I know there were days that she didn't feel important or that she felt overwhelmed and insignificant to the world, but she was my world for so long, and I learned to dream and to love from her. I see how she has affected the lives of those around her and how she and my dad have the marriage they do, how she so selflessly helps those around her even when she is out of energy or has had a hard day. She has and continues to make a difference and that to me means so much more than any cure for a disease or animal she could have discovered in the ocean had she followed the career dreams she had as a little girl.

Now, I know that marriage and motherhood may not be everyone's cup of tea and I don't mean to single out those women, I know that we all have the ability to make a difference to those around us and the message of this post is more that we as women do matter, and we do make a difference to those around us and that we don't have to abandon who we are to the world to be significant or to shift the lives of those around us. We make a difference each day to the people around us and I feel it is important to say that. The media never will, even when they talk about feminism (yes, I am a feminist for any reading) but being you as you are and choosing to follow your dreams whether big or small, public or private, that is what matters and never forget that you are a beautiful daughter of the One who created the universe. I know some don't believe in God, but I do, and all I want to say is that I believe that we all matter to Him, that we are His daughters, that He knows each of us by name, our wants, our desires, our dreams, and that He is proud of everything we do even when we don't realize our worth, He is so happy to see us succeed and to grow.

I just want to end this post with a large quote from a talk that President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (to those who are not LDS, he is a counselor to the President of our church) at the Womens General Conference last Sunday called, "Living the Gospel Joyful"

"My dear sisters in the gospel, whether you are 8 or 108, there is one thing that I hope you truly understand and know:

You are loved.

You are dear to your heavenly parents.

The infinite and eternal Creator of light and life knows you! He is mindful of you.

Yes, God loves you this very day and always.

He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held onto the fading light and believed—even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you.

And God knows of your successes; though they may seem small to you, He acknowledges and cherishes each one of them. He loves you for extending yourself to others. He loves you for reaching out and helping others bear their heavy burdens—even when you are struggling with your own.

He knows everything about you. He sees you clearly—He knows you as you really are. And He loves you—today and always!

Do you suppose it matters to our Heavenly Father whether your makeup, clothes, hair, and nails are perfect? Do you think your value to Him changes based on how many followers you have on Instagram or Pinterest? Do you think He wants you to worry or get depressed if some un-friend or un-follow you on Facebook or Twitter? Do you think outward attractiveness, your dress size, or popularity make the slightest difference in your worth to the One who created the universe?

He loves you not only for who you are this very day but also for the person of glory and light you have the potential and the desire to become.

More than you could ever imagine, He wants you to achieve your destiny—to return to your heavenly home in honor.

I testify that the way to accomplish this is to place selfish desires and unworthy ambitions on the altar of sacrifice and service. Sisters, trust in the saving power of Jesus Christ; keep His laws and commandments. In other words—live the gospel joyful.

It is my prayer that you will experience a renewed and an expanded measure of the beautiful love of God in your lives; that you will find the faith, determination, and commitment to learn God’s commandments, treasure them in your hearts, and live the gospel joyful.

I promise that as you do so, you will discover your best self—your realself. You will discover what it truly means to be a daughter of the everlasting God, the Lord of all righteousness. "

I know that this was definitely for me and that it totally made cry when I read it because it voiced so much what I have needed to hear as I have struggled to feel of worth as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother. I hope that any who read this know that they make a difference to those around them and that each of you remember that you are so important and lovely, and wonderful.

Thanks for reading :)

Liz

Why I decided to shave my head

Okay, I feel like it is probably for the best that I address why I shaved my head now because my mom keeps getting concerned calls (I appreciate the love and concern and am happy to know that so many care enough to call), and I know I didn't really forewarn too many people so I am getting what I deserve for that lol. Also, I do want to thank everyone who has told me how great I look. It's pretty scary shaving one's head and if I have ever needed validation for something I have done, it is now!

So, here goes: I did not shave my head because I am sick. I am actually in very good health right now and even though I am tired all of the time that is just because I have a cute little man who likes to keep me busy! I did not shave my head because I am dealing with a crisis in life, or depressed, or losing my mind (although I do think it would be funny to dress up like Brittney Spears for Halloween now...sorry, too much? But I digress). I am actually the happiest I have been in a long time. I am married to an incredible and kind man who is my best friend, I have a beautiful son who I fall more and more in love with each day, and we try to live our days the best we can with love in our hearts and seeking to grow. I am happy and did not shave my head as a cry for help. Also, I wish I had known someone who could have used the support of my shaving my hair off (not that I wish someone had cancer to do that to, please understand I don't mean it like that) but if I had or ever have a friend who needs that support I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

I shaved my head because I have started a self discovery project. In the midst of dealing with such things as an eating disorder in high school, the hubub of growing into a new more independent person in college, getting married, dealing with an early miscarriage early on in marriage, having a very negative experience at a workplace, graduating, and phew having a baby, I feel that I have lost myself a little and I want to find myself again. When so many things happen in a ten year period (if you include high school) and most of the stuff happening in the last two years, you just go with the flow and try to get through it all. I have survived and am so much stronger for it, but I still find myself saying mean things about how I look and disliking the changes of my body and resenting that I have the body I have. Not cool and not okay. I know part of it is dealing with the emotional and mental components of an eating disorder which I will probably have to monitor and keep in check for the rest of my life, but I don't want my children to pick up those habits and I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying kind things to others and building them up and then going right back home and abusing myself with unkind words and tearing down my confidence.

Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts my husband and son who see me and love me for the beautiful woman I am. It hurts Heavenly Father too because I know that He sees me as a beautiful and worthwhile daughter with so much more potential than I ever allow for myself. When I am constantly fixating on my weight and my flaws all it does is distract me from the more important and happy things in life and hold me back from reaching my potential. And I want to find that potential. Part of that was finally going through with a little dream I have had for a while in shaving all of my hair off and realizing that I am beautiful without the hair and that who I am and what my body looks like without my security blankets is beautiful and wonderful and worthwhile.

I want to feel the confidence I exude to others and see myself for the beautiful woman I know I am but don't always feel. That is why I shaved my head. To feel a change and a new beginning as I learn to love myself a little (a lot) more. I may or may not share my experiences as I work to learn to love myself more, but I am journaling my experiences and am already finding that my scripture study is more meaningful. I look in the mirror with more confidence, and I see that even though I feel and look so different that my husband and son only see me for me and love me all the same. If any of you who read this would like to join in with finding more confidence and appreciating your beauty inside and out more, let me know, I'd love to share what helps me and encourage you in your journeys too.

It was so scary getting rid of my security blanket of hair and I still miss it and I have definitely cried at what made me cut my hair, but I am also finding that I look in the mirror and am liking what I see and I am learning to accept this and make it a wonderful positive more and more.

Thank you for reading and thank you again for your support. Please let me know if you'd like to hear more about my project, I'd be happy to share, and if you need/want support I am always happy to give it!

Love,

Liz

Has it seriously been 3 months????

Hello All!

I am so sorry that it's been so long since I last posted on the blog! It has been a C-razy month and a half and our internet was going so slow at the other place that it was harder to post anything let alone a blog post.

So since June a lot has happened! We moved to our new little house and we absolutely love it. It is roomy and it is adorable and it feels like home in so many ways which we've been looking for for a while. We have a yard, and neighbors, and we love our ward. We miss our old ward, but we meet in the same building and see them all of the time which is wonderful. Since joining the new ward we have been and felt so incredibly welcomed by them. We have had so many people come up and introduce themselves, and we even got to go to a ward party yesterday evening and we loved it. It was pretty hard to be so sick when I was pregnant because I felt like it was a huge success when I could even go to church and go to the first meeting and it was hard to get to know people when I was constantly in and out. Now that things have settled down it is so nice to feel a sense of community again. And we definitely feel community in Teton.

Teton, ID, is a small little town (literally little, it's basically a couple of miles long and along the highway and has about 760 people total in the town!) about ten to fifteen miles outside of Rexburg. We found out about it when our friends lived here and when we were looking for a new apartment we found the beautiful loft one in Teton, and then we found this house we are in now in Teton as well. Since moving into Teton, we have fell in love with it. It is so quiet and friendly, and we are so glad we were led here.

Ben was able to get a second job and although I don't get to see him as often as I'd like (which is all the time, so I guess I had to have a dose of reality) we are thrilled to have found it. He is also getting very close to being done with school for Spring semester and won't be back in school until January. This will be awesome because now we can get into a rhythm with work and family life without homework assignments being included :) He is thriving at being a dad and Finch loves his big buddy. They play all of the time and even though Finch doesn't get to see his daddy as much during the week, they enjoy their 3 am feedings and weekends together :)

Finch is three months now. Yes, I did say three months. Where did the time go? I have no idea. I can't believe as I look at my little boy who can hold his head up when we hold him and sit in his bumbo like the big boy he is, or who is downing lots of milk so fast that he is basically doubling in size every other week, how much time has flown by. As much as I miss my little 6 pound baby, I love seeing him grow. I love hearing his almost laugh, and seeing the gummy grin that has won my heart. Whenever I think of that baby commercial that said, "Who knew the love of my life would be a chubby and bald?" I think of my beautiful little boy. I love him so much. Ben loves him so much. We are just enthralled with this spiritual giant who has graced us with his loving presence. He is so funny, and so sweet, and I can't imagine a happier existence than with him being a part of our home. I keep learning new things about him like: he clenches his fists and curls his toes when he eats, he only gets angry and cries when he is hungry and he goes from not hungry to ravenous starved Donner party member in about ten seconds, he loves when we sing to him, and he won't go to sleep without us reading, "Where the Wild Things Are" first. When he gets sad, he sticks out his lower lip, and puckers it just enough to look so sad and so adorable. Poor thing, he tries to make me feel bad and I do, but I have to laugh at his cuteness too. The first thing he does when he sees me is smile, and he squeals and sounds like a dying rabbit when he is mad. He is so unique and so wonderful and I love every minute I get to spend with him!!

Here is the progression of 0-3 months!

My sweet and silly little boy! :)

Working his sad face magic on his Mama. I am such a sucker for his expressions...

As for me, I am currently getting over a double infection that left me in bed most of the week, and I am trying to figure out how to unpack and organize everything. I am also getting into crocheting more. I need a creative outlet when Finch is sleeping besides Grey's Anatomy and Master Chef and I am really enjoying being able to create and see my skills coming together. I am also below my pre-pregnant weight and I am trying to keep it that way. I found within six weeks of Finch being born that my milk supply was drying up, and I have been transitioning to life without a breast pump, nursing pads, or a baby needing only me. It's been about 7 weeks since that started and I think we have a good rhythm now. Also, I feel that how I feed my son is a personal decision and I chose to stop breastfeeding when my body wasn't able to feed him what he needed (and by what he needed I mean that I went from producing 4 ounces a sitting to less than two and then to less than one when he was needing four ounces every 2 hours in just over a week) and when it was making me a sick and an unhappy mother, and since we have switched to formula he has thrived and so have I. I don't know why that happened, but I guess there is a genetic pattern of it in my family so at least I got to breastfeed him while I could :)

That is life for us right now. We are loving life and although it isn't easy and is always teaching me new things, I wouldn't change a thing. It is wonderful being a mother, and as Ben and I approach our two year anniversary next month, I can't help but marvel at the sweetness my life has had since marrying my eternal sweetheart :)

I promise to write more often now that things are coming together and are more regular.

Have a lovely Sabbath!

Love,

Liz, Ben, Finch, and Zola

Our June So Far

I know it's been a while. And we have been very busy as of late, (Babies can do that to you ;) ). We are in the midst of getting ready to move (again) but this time to a house with three bedrooms. We are super excited because it will be a place we can grow with rather than outgrow super quickly which Ben and I managed to do with our current one bedroom apartment. We love our current place. It is beautiful, we love our ward, and it is so unique and filled with creative energy. But, alas, we must go and by go, I mean move down the street (so we're not going too far lol). We're pretty excited. With the new place having three bedrooms, we can make one an office or studio for Ben and I to use while the other is using the front room, and we will have a nursery for Finch, plus a yard to play in as well. With the warm weather here (finally!) in Idaho, we can go and lay out on the lawn and enjoy it even more! While I am excited for Finch to have his own bedroom, I know it will be hard for me to get used to him sleeping in another room because he's been right beside my bed for the last two months and I still miss him even if he's just sleeping beside me. He'll probably still be in our room a lot though, he always manages to stay close to us no matter what :)

Motherhood is becoming my true joy in life apart from the gospel and being a wife. I never thought that I'd find something that is so fulfilling. Sure, there are days where I get nothing done but hold my child, my clothes are dirty, I smell, and my house looks like the set from the movie, "Tornado", but I wouldn't change it for anything when I see my sweet little guy smile at me or reach out for me. He is so worth it all and I just fall more and more in love with him with each day. I think one of my most favorite things is seeing how curious he is and how his personality is coming out more and more. There is such wonder in those eyes of his as he takes in the world around him and it makes me so happy to see such genuine interest in everything. Plus, he has such a sweet and calming spirit he brings into our home. Things are also getting easier as he is at the point now where he only wakes up once a night, maybe two depending on the day, and then just goes back to sleep and he is sleeping pretty well during the day as well. I love it because then I can get some things done and then we can focus on his routine which has proven to be super helpful!

Finch from a couple of days old to almost two months!!

Ben and I love being parents, and we are getting into the swing of things with sleep schedules, feeding routines, and how to leave the house in a somewhat timely manner. Finch is finally growing a bit and is going to be two months in a week and 8 weeks this Friday.That's crazy. Finally, his newborn clothes are starting to look snug and like they fit him, and his 0-3 month clothes are still huge, but not quite as huge as they were a couple of weeks ago. He is already so strong, and kicks all of the time and can hold his head up when we burp him. It's amazing to me to see his funny personality already. He smiles when I play with him and when I am the first person he sees after a nap. He cries when he doesn't get fed as much food as he wants the moment he wants it, he loves to fall asleep on Ben's chest (we call him the "glorified pillow"), and is fussy the moment he knows I am out of the room. His hair is starting to grow in and is a beautiful strawberry blonde and his eyes are a deep sea grey/blue. He and Zola are friends. Well, let me rephrase that: He loves Zola, and Zola shyly loves him back when she's not quite as jealous. She gets protective of him with guests, and he smiles whenever she is near and loves being close to her (he always kicked in my tummy when she would purr when I held her.). I think they will grow to be great friends and as time is proving it isn't too far off :)

School is going well for Ben and we are currently trying to find a second job for him, especially with summer coming, it would be great to start saving up money for his off track and when he goes back to school! He loves his job as a tutor and has such a gift for it. Last semester he decided to go with Special Education K-12 for his major and he seems to really enjoy his classes and the future such a career will hold. It is so wonderful to see that he is happy with what he is doing and that he comes home excited rather than stressed and frustrated. Seeing that satisfaction is worth it all to me :)

So that is our June so far. Next week we will get to see how much Finch has grown and then we will be busy busy with packing and getting ready to move!

Toodaloo friends!

Love,

Liz, Ben, Finch, and Zola :)