When I first found out I was pregnant with Finch I got this major high of thinking that I was this incredible and fantastic being creating life (Which I was, it's a wonderful thing), but I also felt invincible and started in on my research. Suddenly I wanted to know about every option I had and I wanted to make sure that I was in control of the situation and that my voice was heard above all else as the mother of my child, of course, I knew what was right for both of us. And I know that part of that is the perfect transition a mother takes from being just a woman to suddenly a mother to this tiny, defenseless baby that needs you for absolutely everything. You are given instincts and feelings that help you to know when something is right or wrong.
In my research I found, "The Business of Being Born" which is an incredible documentary that discusses the history of midwifery, and discusses the changes of the maternal healthcare throughout the century in America. I lapped it up and totally sucked it in and even made my poor husband watch it (he wasn't a fan of the actual childbirths, but who is, really). We discussed our feelings about wanting to be heard, wanting to have a voice in the decision making, and the importance of having someone who would respect that. We scheduled a meeting with the local birthing center ran by midwives. I was so excited and once we got there found that they were immediately skeptical that I even knew what I was talking about, that I was as far along as I said (I wasn't very big with my bump, so sue me), and I never felt like they appreciated or understood what I said. I know that I was being evaluated just as much as I was evaluating them, but there was an uneasiness when I left. I am not saying that every midwife is like that and I respect the profession so much. I love that they empower women and that they provide an alternative option for mothers who want a different birthing experience from the hospital.
I was still seriously considering the midwives when we saw our doctor at the office for our first meeting after moving back to Rexburg. It was such a different experience. He listened to my concerns, reviewed my history and immediately encouraged me in what I was doing. I never once felt like he was skeptical of my knowledge or understanding or my ability to know what was right for me or my baby.
Then I left so happy to try to figure out what we wanted. I had watched "The Business of Being Born" a few times by this point and knew it pretty well. I was discussing it with my mother and she felt concerned and wanted to talk to me about it. She shared her experiences in more detail of her deliveries and the troubles she had during her pregnancies. It was hard getting pregnant and the pregnancies were very hard on her body. She told me of some of the complications she had had with me, and also with Daniel and then she told me that she knew that many women could do home births and that they were wonderful, but that for her and her experiences, she felt she had been blessed with doctors who were there when things went bad for her and us as her babies and that she felt things would have gone very differently had she not been with those doctors. She then counseled me to step back and pray about it and to see how I felt.
I am very similar to my mother in many ways, not only in our interests, but our health issues almost always mirror each other and I realized that it could be the same in pregnancy. I knew some things were different with my pregnancy than from hers but not by much and I found that I felt more and more drawn to the doctor and that I felt that perhaps something was going to happen and the more I decided to go with the doctor the more I felt I needed to be with a doctor.
For those who have read my blog entries about my pregnancy know that midway through my second trimester (a few weeks after deciding to go with a doctor) things began to change. I started getting UTI's frequently and they began to trigger early contractions. My blood pressure began to change going from being very low to pre-hypertensive, to finally so high in my third trimester that I was put on bedrest and began to spill proteins and was diagnosed with Preeclampsia. I know that midwives check for those things, but it wasn't until after my delivery that I looked back and realized that our doctor had been a part of our journey for a reason and that we were led to him so that we would have the care we needed.
In my delivery I had to be on my back because my blood pressure was normal if I was on my back and then sky high the moment I sat up. I was in back labor and boy did that suck. My doctor had read and reviewed my birth plan with me in the office and had made sure we followed it. The nurses read it and were very supportive. I wanted to go as long as I could without an epidural and I wanted to be the one to request it not them suggesting it and they followed all of that. I had my water broken to start labor (I had to be induced for my preeclampsia), and then after nothing, I was put on Pitocin and was on it for the rest of the delivery. I was at the point that my contraction were very close together and I was starting to feel uncomfortable that I requested an epidural. Five hours after that, it finally came and I found out that my body was not responding to the contractions and that my cervix wasn't opening. My doctor told me the chances of c-section were higher at this point because my body wasn't responding in a way to allow for labor to commence but that he wasn't done trying to help me have a baby without it and that he didn't want to do that unless it was the last option. He fought to make sure I could have a baby normally. He never pushed it on me to have an epidural, he never told me I was endangering my baby or that I wasn't capable of doing it. He said that we were doing well and that we would keep trying to get it to work. After the epidural and being in labor for five hours at a 10 on the pain scale (even though I had been in labor for 15 or more hours at this point, I was the one rushing them not the other way around) I can say I experienced what natural non-intervention pain wise labor felt like and I can say I don't feel like I owe it to any woman to explain myself as to why I did an epidural. After my epidural my cervix suddenly dilated from a 3-4 to a 10 in two hours. My body had blocked the progress because of the pain and I wasn't progressing until I had a break from the pain. I will never do that to my body again and learned that while some womens' bodies respond to the pain and they are able to work through it, my body could not. Then we found that Finch even at 6 pounds and 15 ounces was too big for my pelvic space and that he was stuck. Luckily with the help of a vaccuum and three hours of pushing we were able to get him out but I still tore and had an episiotomy.
The nurses were so kind and respectful and my doctor was so supportive of my decisions. I felt that I had exactly the right birth for me and for Finch and I feel like I grew and transformed. I never felt like my experience was robbed by modern medicine or that I was manipulated by my medical staff into being sped through the process of having a baby. My doctor even came back to the hospital at 3:30 am to help me deliver the baby rather than suggest a c-section. He was a godsend and an answer to our prayers and the prayers of friends and families.
Now after that huge rant, l I just want to say that I have had very mixed feelings after watching "The Business of Being Born" again. I found that it was very one sided and was very negative towards doctors. I know and have met plenty of doctors who were jerks and those who could care less how I felt about my body, but I know that my doctor was not that way with me with my maternity care and delivery. The nurses did not push me in any way to do anything I didn't want and considering my preeclampsia and the size of my pelvis I am so glad that I felt prompted by the spirit to go with my doctor instead of finding out later that I wasn't going to be able to have a baby in the birthing center with a midwife who already wasn't taking me seriously or to be rushed to the hospital to be with a doctor completely unfamiliar with my history and to probably end up having a c-section because Finch was too big. We were so blessed and I watch this documentary now and feel like it skips over the benefits and the positives of modern maternal healthcare. It talks about the experience of a medicated birth being impersonal and that it is harder for mother to bond with baby after and I found that to be completely untrue. I never felt so connected to a being as I did when I held Finch for the first time in my arms and even though I was filled with Pitocin my Oxytocin was just fine and so were we. I know that my case was a special case and I was a high risk woman, but that shouldn't discount me from having an opinion either.
So like I said, this was my opinion based on my experiences and my experiences alone. I had many friends tell me how beautiful their home birthing or midwifery experience was and that it was transforming for them and I love their stories and fully support their desire to do it again. I know that I have friends who could not respond to epidurals and had to deal with the pains of labor no matter what, and I know that I have friends who had to have c-sections regardless of their preparations for a regular birth.
I strongly encourage any of my friends who are pregnant to watch this documentary because I learned a lot, but I also want to say that it's important to research the other side of it too. Shop for doctors until you find the right one and don't disregard their advice. Not every doctor is out to get you for a paycheck and to ignore your wishes and push you in and out of the hospital but also, not every midwife is going to be the lady of your dreams who respects your feelings or wishes either. Please listen to the spirit or your gut, or the universe if that is what you do and trust in your instincts. I know that I am grateful that I didn't disregard them and that I decided to go with my doctor because it changed my life and I have this beautiful son who is healthy and I was healthy and taken care of.
Now that I am pregnant again, I know that I wouldn't be accepted by a midwife because my chances of preeclampsia are so high and that I wouldn't be able to wait until the end of 40-41 weeks because my baby may be too big to deliver (especially since big babies run in my husband's family) for my pelvis and I know that I am okay with that. We have the same doctor and already he has been so supportive of our decisions and is familiar with our care and history. These are the cards I have been dealt and I will use them the best I can.
I feel at peace with that and I know for me that is right. Just remember that there are pluses and minuses for each method of having a baby and for those who felt that they were robbed of having the birth they wanted I encourage you to find a way to fix that and I hope you find the people to help make your dreams come true whether a doctor, midwife, midwife with doula, or any other professions I have missed. I know that I did, and even though I was induced and had pitocin and an episiotomy, I felt so close to my baby when he was born and the joy I felt in holding him was worth all of the issues and the struggles and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Follow your hearts and trust that you'll find those who will be there to help.
Childbirth changes you and while it can be so painful and awkward, it was beautiful and I look back and see the beauty of it all (probably because I refused to see what was going on with a mirror, I joke, but not really) and I just hope we support each other as mamas and not push that one side is better or worse but rather just support and love and celebrate this together.
Sincerely, Liz
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