Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When you lose a loved one...

Hello all,

This blog post has been one that I have pondered and considered writing for a very long time, and one that has not been an easy one to write...

So, here goes: Ben and I had a miscarriage after being married for a few months, and it was one of the hardest experiences I(we) have ever gone through, and one that I will always look on as a personal Gethsemane for me to live through. Not very many people knew, only very very close family, and a handful of friends or people who needed a reason for why I was not in school for a day or two, etc. We didn't share it because it was just too painful for us, and something that still makes our hearts ache to think about, so if you are close to us and are just finding out, it was not a trust issue by any means, there just was never a reason to want to bring it up until now. I do know though, that as I talk about it, I am able to understand and help those who have pregnancy scares or miscarriages, and my heart is much bigger than it ever would have been. I just read a blog that mentioned how pro-lifers should still see miscarriage as a loss just as much as an abortion regardless of how or when or why the baby was lost, and I knew I needed to share our story (I say our story because it wasn't just me who lost a baby, it was Ben too).

Miscarriages are hard. No matter how early, and no matter how late. Ours ended up being an early one. We wouldn't have told people we were pregnant for another month and a half anyways, but it didn't matter because suddenly we weren't pregnant anymore and nobody needed to know why I was so sad, or why both Ben and I would hurt looking at other children and why we still secretly go into a panic whenever a friend or loved one has something happen during a pregnancy or to their child and seem to go overboard in making sure they are okay. It changes you. Even if it happens early on, you still make plans, you still dream, you still connect to that baby. I haven’t had a miscarriage late in pregnancy ( I sincerely hope I never will because it is a fear that has plagued me throughout this pregnancy to no end) so my experience cannot even fully grasp the pain that must come to those who have already announced their pregnancy and have had even more time to plan and connect and dream of their baby, but I do know that it does hurt just as bad. A baby is a child to a parent at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 15 weeks, 20 weeks, 25 weeks, etc. A parent is a parent from the moment that stick turns blue or a plus sign appears and the pain is real throughout any point.

We lost our little one around 6-7 weeks. We named our baby Eliza, because we felt that it was probably a girl when we prayed about it, and Eliza fit very well. We were floored and so excited because we had wanted a baby from the very beginning of our marriage and had talked about it. We couldn't help but begin planning for what life would be like with a baby, the adventures and joys we would find, and the sleepless nights that would be worth every moment for this little gem in our lives. We kept it very private and I began to be very very careful. I had to walk a lot to school because we didn't have a car at the time and I dealt with being super tired, and unbelievably exhausted whilst working, going to school, and trying to finish my degree. It was hard, but again we were very excited. I started to get little cramps here and there, and I would just rest and try to stay down in case it was from doing too much. I did research and found that there were pains that came from growth and hoped that perhaps the pain was just from a growing uterus, rather than anything else.

Then, while we were on vacation for Thanksgiving visiting family things changed. We were lifting and running after little kids. I was tickling, kissing, hugging, and teasing, and I picked up my nephew and carried him around the house on my back. We wanted to shout to the roof to everyone how thrilled we were, and to apologize for my being so tired and why I wasn't getting up as early, and why I could hardly function after a certain time, but we felt we needed to wait. The night of Thanksgiving I was getting ready for bed when I used the bathroom and found that light tinge of pink/red that I had heard of being a problem and was already afraid of. I asked for a blessing from my husband and my dad who was privy to the knowledge that we were pregnant immediately and felt peace from the blessing. I took it easy the next couple of days, and hoped and prayed the spotting would stop. When we got home, I missed a couple of days from school because the spotting was now bleeding, and I was sick with worry. After a few days, we finally went in to the doctor and found out after two ultrasounds and a blood test that I had lost the baby, and that my body was completely clean of any traces of our little hope and dream. The doctor was great and told us that he and his wife had had a miscarriage before and how sorry he was, and the ultrasound tech asked me why I waited so long to come in (insurance issues, traveling, and just not wanting to give up hope were what I thought, but I didn't have words to say at the time). Our friends who had given us a ride to the clinic took us to get some lunch, and then took us home, and Ben and I crawled into bed and cried, holding each other for I don't know how long. I would cry many times, and I would hold back tears in church when a little baby would smile at me, or reach out to touch me. Ben was more silent and didn't cry around me, but he hurt too. We would talk about it, and made sure we didn't avoid it with each other, that we would mourn together, and that we would include the Lord in our pain because only He would be able to help us overcome the pain we felt. 

As we tried to move on and heal we asked what could have happened, and were told that that early on the pregnancy may not have fully taken, and implantation may not have completed and that some of the concerns I had had from day one indicated that possibility. I had hormone imbalances that were being treated with birth control and I had stopped taking it to try for kids, and I wondered if perhaps my lack of certain hormones had prevented the pregnancy from progressing. There were so many “what ifs” and possibilities, and I worried about every single one of them. What if I had caused it when I carried my nephew around? Had I waited too long to go in? Would anyone have believed me if I had gone in when I told them my symptoms? I don’t know. And I learned that we oftentimes never know. That many miscarriages happen because the body of the baby wasn't strong enough to develop because of chromosomal abnormalities that were not compatible with life outside the womb. Some were caused by hormone imbalances, and then some just happened sporadically. I did my research, and I learned all I could. The greatest lessons would come from the Lord though.

I wish I could say I went through this experience without any anger or resentment to the Lord, but that would be a lie. For the first time in my life, I realized that I thought things would work out as I wanted and that because I was faithful and that I had done everything I could that Eliza would live. It took a lot of praying, a lot of studying, and pondering, and the softening of my heart to learn a very hard and painful lesson I don’t wish to put on anyone if I could help it: Sometimes, even after you have done everything in your power even for the Lord, things still don’t work out. Sometimes while the Lord has the power to give us everything, He doesn’t because it isn’t what will teach us, or help us in the long run. Sometimes, His greatest mercy comes from not giving us what we ask for, even when it is righteous and good and holy, and in having us wait, sometimes in the dark, to understand at another time, or to trust that He has a greater reason than even we can understand we learn the most and are blessed the most.

I hated that lesson for a long time, and it took me months to learn and to understand why He would do that to me. I couldn't understand why I felt things would work out so well and then they didn't. Then I started to just let go of the pain because holding onto it hurt too much, and as hurt and as angry as I was with the Lord, I didn't know any other way to cope with it than to come to Him for help still. (I’m very bad at being mad at people and pulling away from them, it’s just not how I work). As I embraced the mystery of the experience and said, “I don’t understand and I may not until I am on the other side, but I can’t do this anymore on my own, please, Lord, please help me to know how to move on and what I can do.” I found that I needed and wanted to choose God over my pride, over my understanding, and over my justified pain, and I let go of needing to know and just began to live life each day as I could. And slowly, I found that while I was definitely depressed and was sad and not quite myself anymore, I began to hope. I began to just accept that the Lord knew better than I could and that someday I would understand, and that even though I felt confused, He hurt with me and for me, and that that pain was shared and that sorrow was shared by not just myself or Ben, but by our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I learned of eternal hope, and I learned to appreciate the healing effects of the Atonement. My heart grew and softened and I found that there were angels on earth who helped me. Friends who suspected and shared their experiences to help me, classmates who saw that I was hurting and even though they didn't know why brought me notes of love, offers of service, and hugs filled with love. I found that the Lord had surrounded me with people who loved me. And even when people would ask me if I was pregnant because I looked a little heavier and was more emotional, or when people asked me why I felt the need to want kids so early and just to enjoy being married first, I would just move on and forward. It wasn’t easy, but I learned after healing slowly and taking it a day at a time, that after a while, I loved the Lord far more than I had before. That I had the opportunity to hate Him and walked away from it because I could never hate Him, that even when I was hurt and confused that I STILL chose God over anything else, I learned that I had made my choice and that choice would be a testimony on my heart for the rest of my life. I learned that if this ever happened again (which I still sincerely hope never happens) I would die inside but I would never doubt the love of a loving Heavenly Father, or my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Because of my hormone issues (especially without birth control helping to minimize symptoms or restoring lost levels) I would get symptoms of pregnancy every month. Soon my periods were two months apart and I would spend every month worrying about whether I was pregnant or not. I would have false alarm after false alarm, and would take I don’t know how many tests in hope that perhaps we could try again. Then we felt we were pregnant after about six months of trying after the miscarriage and didn't get a positive test. We still hoped. With my hormones being worse, I wondered if perhaps it would take a few weeks to manifest and if I was just patient I would know. I was in the midst of my internship for my degree and I had so many symptoms. I was even gaining the weight that comes with pregnancy and we wondered if by some strange stroke of luck we had a unique pregnancy. After another ultrasound and a failed blood test though, we were sent back to the same conclusion as we had been many times before: Not yet.

While I was heartbroken, I knew this time I could handle it, and while I felt I would get pregnant soon because I had prayed and knew something was close (how long that close would take to manifest I didn't know, a few weeks, a few months? A year? I was accepting that the Lord’s time was not my own) I moved on and just decided to stop trying for a while. That the Lord still loved me, and even though I didn't understand completely why again this was happening, I moved forward with love and Ben and I both just tried to let go for a while. After going through the darkest time in my life and I can’t speak for Ben, but definitely the darkest time in our time as a married couple, we had found the torch that would take us through it and we knew that we could handle it and wait, as much as it hurt and as much as we didn't want to.

Then we moved, and I started to feel sick all over again. This time my symptoms were worse and I just accepted that once again it would be a month of red herrings and dead ends. Two-three months passed without a period and I felt like perhaps my body was unable to deal with pregnancy or periods right now and just accepted it. That was when symptoms continued to get weirder and weirder and finally, Ben and I decided to test, quite hesitantly, to see if I was pregnant. And that was when I found out I was once again, pregnant for real.

It has been a miracle, and Ben and I have tried to cherish every moment. I still remember testing a couple of times to make sure, praying with all of my heart when I had to confirm with a doctor that it would be positive (and getting a result that was about as positive as could be), and us both holding our breath when we had to do an ultrasound, praying we would see a little bean moving around, and being so happy when we saw a baby growing rather than an empty uterine cavity. I have worried every day of this pregnancy, and I had prayed and prayed for this baby to stay and he has. The Lord has constantly reassured me over and over that this baby was ours and here to stay. When we passed the point of viability I let out a sigh of relief that if I did go into labor early, that Finch still had a chance to live on his own outside of me, and each day I thank God for my little son.

We still miss our Eliza. We still wonder why she had to leave us too soon, but I look back on the year we had after losing her, and I realize that the Lord gave us a gift we needed. Ben and I learned that the Lord is always there and that He loves us more than we can ever even begin to comprehend. I learned that if I lost everything I held dear that I would never lose my testimony or lose the love of my Heavenly Father. I learned that Ben and I grew to love each other at a deeper level than I could even imagine possible, and our love has only deepened. I wouldn't trade the lessons we learned for anything, and if I had to go through the miscarriage again to have the marriage that I do, and to have the testimony that I do, I would do it over and over again. I realize that the body my little one would have had would have had many problems and that perhaps it had served its purpose and she was with God again, or that perhaps maybe we will see her again in a body that will be stronger and more able to handle the challenges of life in ways this little body could not. I don’t know, I still don’t have all of the answers, but now, I know that I don’t them to trust in God or to know that He loves me. I don’t need them, and I instead need to always trust in Him. I look back on the timeline before finding out we were pregnant with Finch, and there were miracles forming and preparing us in ways I wouldn't have been ready for before, and that the Lord had paved the way for this little boy to be with us.

With nine weeks left before his due date, I look back on 31 weeks of miracles, and mercy and love.

If you have suffered from losing a child, or dealing with a miscarriage, it is okay to mourn. You DID lose a loved one, and you deserve the right to be devastated by it. Anyone who tells you to let go and move on, it was just a ball of tissue is fooling themselves, and doesn’t know, because a person who has lost a loved one knows that it hurts. It is scary, and it is painful and lasts a long time. We got Zola in the midst of our mourning because we felt prompted to find something to help our hearts heal, and she has been a tender mercy for us in ways I never knew possible. She filled my heart and is probably all the more special to me because of the hole she filled. I am so deeply sorry to any of you who have gone through this, and if I ever know, know that while I may not know your experience the way you do, that I extend my arms of love to you, and that I love you and will help in any way I can. If you don’t want me to know, that is okay too. It’s taken me over a year to share this, I will never ever force or expect you to share if it is too much.

Ben and I still miss Eliza. We still have anxiety attacks when someone we know and love is dealing with a miscarriage or the possibility of losing a baby. Our hearts go out to you, and we love you. It is always okay to mourn and miss those lost loved ones and it is okay to consider them parts of your family. I know we do. It takes time, and it takes the Savior to handle the pain. I hope that you never forget that in whatever circumstance you find yourself in and in any trial or tribulation, that God loves you. That you have a Savior, who died for and suffered not only for your sins, but also experienced every pain you have and will endure and that He is there to help you through it. I know, because He helped me, and He helped Ben, and our hearts while still tender, are healed. You are not alone. There is a silent club of us who have lost loved little ones, and no matter how early on or how late you lose them, you are always welcome, sadly of course, but always welcome. It hurts no matter what, but I have found that I have loved more deeply and more openly and freely as a result, and that when I needed it, many of those who had lost babies and children were there and understood how to help. I know that Ben and I will always be there to help those who deal with it. Please know you are never alone, and that you are always loved.


Thanks for reading.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

The Loving Influence of a Heavenly Father

Today has been a really sweet Sunday. Ben and I are still trying to get over our flu crisis and are pretty much done, now we just deal with the fatigue. We were literally dragging today as we got ready for church (thank goodness we have 1pm church, that is truly a mercy for us these days), and yet we still managed to get to church on time for the sacrament. Well I did, Ben was parking the car and missed it by about 45 seconds. It was still a great Sunday.
We spend a lot of our Sacrament Meetings in the foyer since it is just too hard for me to sit still without having to use the bathroom, walk around, or move around for an hour, plus the couches are a lot more pregnant girl friendly than pews or fold out chairs. Today we met a really nice new young couple in the ward, and we also saw so many children, little kids, and their tired parents walking around, trying to be quiet, and trying to stay happy. I know it can be stressful for some people to be around that environment, but I can’t help but feel like I felt more of the Spirit in watching these little spirits in church than really listening to the talks given, (although there were some really great messages shared by the speakers from what I could hear). I loved watching the little children. They truly demonstrate the pure love of Christ, and even though they aren’t paying attention the way I am sure their parents would prefer, I can’t help but wonder what they are thinking about, and what their spirits are really feeling.
Little children always seem to be so much closer to the spirit than we give them credit for, and as I watched the parents who were pacing around the building once again, and trying to get their children to whisper, or not eat the cheerio they found on the ground, etc. I can’t help but feel that the Lord is smiling down on each of them, and that the Savior would probably be close by, helping the children to feel the love He has for them and encouraging those tired and stressed parents in what a service they were really doing. Each of those parents I watched have probably not had a full church lesson in the past five to ten years, and yet, I know they are serving their little ones the way our parents have served each of us, but also, as our Heavenly Father probably did for us as our spirits matured and grew in the premortal existence. There are probably times that He patiently leads us or loves us when we are just not quite mature enough to understand a certain spiritual principle or why something is going on in our lives.
So many of those children were squirmy, crying, babbling away, saying obvious embarrassing truths of the people around them, etc. and I know that we each do the same thing in our own way in the greater picture, and it is our loving Father in Heaven who helps us to refocus on the principles of the gospel, or else lovingly leads, whispers, encourages, or redirects us to the things that will help us to grow and learn.
That is one of the greatest things I have learned today. Our Heavenly Father is so aware of us and loves each of us so deeply and knows how to help us to grow in our own ways. I know that what may help me may not always work for Ben, and what reaches the brother or sister two aisles over may not be the same thing for the older couple two seats away. But He knows how to reach us, and the best ways for us to grow closer to Him, and He never rushes us. Some days we are the child that is crying and screaming and is carried out of the chapel, and other days we are the child who is reverently pointing at scripture stories. I just know that I saw that the service the parents I saw today rendered to their children is more significant than we ever realize, and I commend each of them for what they do because they do what our Father does each day for us. Being parents, is the best way for us to truly understand and become more like our Heavenly Father. Isn’t that such a neat gift?
I learned so much from watching that today, and I will probably carry that lesson with me a little more so than I even realize now. As we approach Finch’s due date and as we get closer and closer to his being an ever present member of our family and our daily lives, I can’t help but be honored that the Lord has given Ben and I this opportunity to be the parents He knows we can be. That we now get the chance to learn how to be more Christlike and to be more like our Heavenly Father. It is exciting and very humbling. I have many many days where I feel so inadequate in being a mother soon and I worry that my child will often pay for my inadequacies and my imperfections, but I also will try to remember that I am doing all I can, and that I will sometimes be that parent who has no idea what to do apart from pace the church halls during Sunday School, trying to sooth my little boy, missing a lesson, but gaining experience and time that I will always cherish later on. It truly is a gift and one that I hope I will always cherish and try to remember, especially in those late night and early morning hours when all I long for is sleep. I know I will need to be reminded when I feel like I have nothing left to give, and that the Lord will lovingly whisper the encouragement I need to keep going and when I am the child who is crying because I am so tired I can’t sleep or relax, and then I will be able to go back into the hubbub of motherhood and wifehood and keep going J
Happy Sabbath to everyone. I hope that you too have found something you were missing or needed like I did today J.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Final Countdown *cue guitar solo*

This is where the great 80's band, EUROPE, comes out and starts playing, "The Final Countdown" as Ben and I anticipate the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy. 10 weeks, in missionary language (as a few exes had actually said to me in the past, to my great humor and amazement), a transfer, a quarter in school, etc. 10 weeks, I know by the last few it will feel like an agonizing and eternal wait, but for now in comparison to the other 30 weeks I have been pregnant, it's only 10 weeks left. So I will be doing the weekly 10...9...8...7...well, you get the idea :)

So, week 30 and week 10 on the countdown:

I am getting over a flu. Let me just say, it has been an ordeal. I feel like Frodo and Sam on the way back down the mountain following Gollum's manic jump into Mount Doom while the entire mountain crumbles, waiting for the huge eagle to come and save me. This flu has sucked big time. It started over a week ago when I got back from a fun shopping day with a friend. I left her house and was walking the 60 feet between our apartments when I started coughing like I had suddenly started choking on water. From there it went to not being able to breathe, to the next day feeling like someone had injected pure misery and death into my blood. Not fun. Fevers, chills, and many baths and showers later, I started to feel human-ish with an inhaler given to me from my doctor, and a z-pack just for good measure. Lots of rest and priesthood blessings later, I am on the mend. Oh, and with a sick husband. I feel so awful, I wouldn't give this to my worst enemy, and yet I gave it to my sweetheart who works 20 hours a week and goes to school and is looking for a second job. He is busy, too busy for sickness and yet, I gave it to him. I guess childbirth can be part of my karma (for the like the first two hours of labor of course, then karma will have to step back and say, "okay, I think I'm in her debt now that she's in active labor and is going towards transition. My bad..."). I'm definitely kidding, but then again, there is a part of me that is completely serious.

Besides the flu, I got a haircut, and I love it. I feel so pretty, and it's the haircut I've been wanting FOR-EVERRR. Since before pregnancy, and since I can remember. I still have sketches from when I was about 14 where I had drawn out a haircut just like this. Let's just say it was meant to be, and I love it! It's easy, versatile, and cute, and I feel pretty, which is very much needed at the 30 week mark. Pregnancy may make me look like I'm glowing, but I certainly don't feel like I'm glowing anymore. I feel like a whale, and it is an effort just to roll over at night or get out of bed to pee at night. So, this haircut was very warranted to help me feel pretty and I do. Yay for haircuts!


The "Before" Picture


The "After" Picture

Also, at 30 weeks, I feel Finch move ALL THE TIME! I love it, and I can even pin point where he sits the most. He favors my right side, and I oftentimes feel his little back poking out, and if I lay on my side, he will kick out and try to touch the bed with his foot. He seems to like pushing up against anything that touches my tummy. Also, my friend, Sheila, threw me a beautiful baby shower last week (I wasn't allowed to hug or touch anyone, but I loved getting to see people!) and at the party, two of my friends got to feel Finch move and freaked out! It was pretty funny, and he seemed to be a little shy from all of the attention, because he wouldn't move until I had been holding Zola for a few minutes.
We've also found that Finch really likes Zola. I think they will be best friends when he is born. Not only because she is super maternal, but because he always kicks when I am holding her and she starts purring. Everytime she starts purring, he starts to get active. I think it soothes him. Plus, she is very very vocal and when she starts talking up a storm (in cat language of course) he reacts like he does when Ben talks to him, or he hears me talking. She is just as familiar to him as we are, and I think that's pretty cool. He's so responsive with any sounds, that I think he's pretty good at listening and observing quietly. 

I am also feeling the third trimester fatigue. I start to fall asleep randomly all the time again, just like when I was in the first trimester. I'd sit down and suddenly wake up later, wondering why it was darker, and why I was where I was. That happens now. Ben will frequently go to get something for me and come back and I'm gone, totally asleep, and totally unaware of how long I have been asleep when I finally wake up. I also get full super quickly, and I feel the joys of acid reflux frequently. I hope that that means that Finch will have lots of hair for me to style when he gets here. He will have to deal with my fixating on styling his hair all of the time, whether he likes it or not. I can't help myself when it comes to styling hair, it is my happy drug.


My 30 week Belly shot

Valentine's Day was spent with Ben and I being sick together and coughing, while eating a heart shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's and some slightly burnt cookies. It wasn't glamorous, but it was so much fun. I can't ever get over how perfectly Ben and I fit together. He isn't just the love of my life, but truly is my bestest best friend. We laughed the entire night, well actually laughed and then coughed and tried to laugh as we fought for air while coughing the entire night and it was the most romantic Valentine's day ever because it was just us, being together, doing absolutely nothing but enjoy each other's company. I woke up with Ben giving me a kiss goodbye before heading off to school and work, him wearing the exact same shirt he proposed to me in (his fireman shirt, because he got the fire station to bring a fire truck and stage a fake evacuation before he proposed :) ). I then woke up an hour or two later to see my entire house covered in post its with messages of love, encouragement, and compliments so I would be able to look anywhere while at home, and read his words everywhere I went. He is such a good man, and makes me so happy. We truly grow closer to each other every day and I can't help but fall more and more deeply in love with him every day. God truly knew where I'd be happiest, and it is with my eternal sweetheart :)


The night that Ben proposed to me, and of course, I said yes :)



And of course, this is us today, at our last date night. Isn't he a hunk? We'll have such beautiful babies ;)

And that is it for week 30 and week 10 of the final countdown. There will be more to come next week after we get to go back to the doctor and hopefully have our 30ish week ultrasound. I'm excited to see my little bird and how much he's grown. Btw, he's the size of a large cabbage today, and weights 3 something pounds. What a big boy! :D

Love,
Liz, Ben, Zola, and Finch :)


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Fab February So Far

Hello all!

It has been a fabulous February so far! (Mind you, it's only been four days, but I am very excited for what is in store!)

Update on my health: UTI is gone (I think? I hope?) and I am still exhausted every night and a total basket case once I hit the wall of major prego fatigue, but I am starting to feel like the pregnant chick I was before the scare and infection (just a little more round, and more wary). Glucose test came back negative but there were deliberations to be made by two docs which was confusing because one said, "You need a dietician and metformin (the drug used to help with diabetes control, I did not need it, and was about to argue my case if I needed to with the doc) and the other wasn't thinking I had an issue. Finally, I heard from the doctor I thought we would go with because he fit our personality a little better (however, both docs are great guys, we are very lucky) and he said I was fine, to have a balanced diet and to just enjoy. Phew, I am glad to have a final word on the gestational diabetes front. I was definitely concerned because the pancreases in my family tend to get confused when presented with sugar.

This week in my pregnancy: I am officially 28 weeks pregnant and in my third and final trimester! Can I get a what what? I am so excited. I have a countdown chain for the due date, and we have 84 days to go. Finch is a little fireball of energy, I am constantly seeing him move around, and I am beginning to feel him higher and higher up in my torso so let the fun rib kicks begin! Highlight of my past week? A handful of wonderful strangers told me how cute I look and that I don't look big for how far along I am. Whether they were just being nice or really meant it, thank you to the cashiers at Deseret Industries, the ladies at the Pinewood Derby, the girls at BYU-Idaho, and the rest of the random strangers who have come up and told me how cute I look. I don't ever feel cute anymore because I can't see my feet and waddle slightly so your words of kindness and sweetness are music to my ears and really do mean so much to me. It's hard to feel beautiful when you burp or almost wet yourself when you sneeze. 



Finch is the size of an eggplant, a large bok choy, and iceberg lettuce (I have a lot of apps for pregnancy and each one has a different veggie to compare size to). He can now open and close his eyes, and recognizes noises. During the superbowl there was a commercial where Lawrence Fishburne sang "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's La Boheme. It is one of my favorite songs, and I have it on my lullaby list for Finch and he always responds with little kicks of delight when I play it. When the commercial came on, I got a few kicks after a few seconds. I have a musical genius on my hands folks, and I am thrilled about it. 
Even though it takes a crane to get me out of bed at night to pee, and Ben is constantly helping me stand up and get up, I am so in love with my baby that it doesn't matter. Ben and I are totally smitten with this little boy, and it is getting exciting/weird/surreal/terrifying/wonderful to think that he will be here so shortly. 


25 weeks


26 weeks


27 weeks


28 weeks!


Victory of the week: Ben and I have been looking for a great deal on a stroller and carseat. I plan on babywearing a lot with Finch so we only need the carseat for the car to just stay in the car, but we weren't sure where to start. That's when we found while at Wal-Mart that they had the duo stroller and carseat sets and that they tend to be less. Then we found that they were clearing out their 2013 inventory and everything was on clearance. We wanted a Baby Trend set that was green and I was haunting the baby section for a few days hoping the marked down price of $135.00 would go down. Rexburg is a little more pricey than everywhere else because it is a college town, and we checked in Idaho Falls on a whim last weekend and found the same set we wanted for $67.50 and we had to take it. I think I scared a few women away by staring at the box like it was my favorite food and they were going to take it from me, I was mentally salivating like a crazy woman and had the eyes of a huntress ready to pounce on my prey (enough metaphors?). When a woman finally left it to go, I ran to it and refused to let go until Ben got a cart so we could get it. And now it is ours and it is beautiful in the nursery as we await our little bundle of joy.


Isn't it beautiful? And so worth the price!!!!

My sweet kitty is also being very sweet with this pregnancy. I think she is sensing that her time as an only child in the family is drawing to a close, because she is very very affectionate now and does everything she can to be close to me. Some of my sweetest moments of the day are when she comes to make sure I am safe when I pee at night, and then has me hold her for a few minutes before crawling back in bed. The other night she came and slept under the covers on my body pillow with her head poking out between Ben and I. Whenever I take my nightly bath she sits nearby and panics if my face is out of her view and Ben cannot take her out of the room from me without her panicking if she cannot see me. Sometimes I feel like she is mothering me far more than I mother her, and she is such a sweet blessing to our home. I know it will be a transition for her when Finch arrives, but I already can tell that she will make him just as much her baby and family as she has made Ben and I. It's almost been a year since we adopted her, and she is about as ingrained into my heart as an animal can be. When Ben is at work and school all day, she is my little shadow and buddy and I am grateful for the sweet company she provides. :)


Her little cubby in the closet


So, so far things are going really well with everything. Ben is such an incredible husband, I swear I married a perfect man, he is so sweet, so patient, and is always so good to help me when I am in need (which is literally all of the time). When I have a hard night, he holds me and lets me cry from my hormone issues, he helps me make the foods I want, and he always picks up what I can't bend over and reach anymore. He is a saint, and is already such a great daddy to Finch. He can feel Finch move so much more often and there are many nights I wake up and his hand is on my tummy, just so he can be closer to his son. I know that he is scared out of his wits with our son being here soon, but he just takes it as it comes and works that much harder to help me and to take care of us and our little family. Our new projects are enjoying our new calling as Wolf Pack Leaders for the Boy Scout troup in our ward and going to the American Sign Language Association at BYU-Idaho. Ben loves ASL, and I have always wanted to learn so we have been making it a project to find a way to learn more. The Lord answered our prayers and now we have a free resource to learn what we want. I am now learning the alphabet, and I have learned how to say: "My name is Liz Davies and I am pregnant with Baby Finch". I have to keep working on it because sometimes I mess up the "pregnant" part and just say "I am fat with Baby Finch" some days that feels more accurate though ;)

Another project that I have been working on is family history research. After a few instances of non coincidental promptings from the Spirit I decided to use my extra time (I have lots of extra time) to start searching out to see who is in need of temple work being done. After finding a few lines that have dead ends and not knowing how to start, I went to the Family Research Center at BYU-Idaho and learned how to use FamilySearch.org. Let me just say, it is a wonderful website and very easy to use. Within 15 minutes a sweet sister was helping me to find family, and on "accident" (there are no accidents when the Lord is involved) we found a lost family member. We found his family and connected him to my grandmother (mind you a lot of greats are before that grandmother) and found her siblings and mother. I talked to my dad about it and found out that line had been lost for a couple of hundred years and that even geneologists that my grandmother had employed couldn't find anything past a certain point, and here my family was, ready to be found and to be seen. It was a huge miracle and such a blessing. Then I got sick and had to wait to do more for them because I was on bedrest, but I found more family connected to them, and today I was able to link the families together so more work can be done. I have felt such joy and purpose in it and I never thought that the time I have had resting all of the time and not being sure of what to do with it could be used for such good, but I have felt so much love and presence from loved ones beyond the vale who have been cheering me on. Miracles do happen, and I feel so much more in tune with where I came from because of the people who have paved the way for me. I may not remember them very well now, but I know that they are always near and are so very real.

So there you have it, February is already proving to be a fantastic month (knock on wood ;) ), and I look forward to all the fun stuff that is in store for us as we continue.

Have a fantastic day, and God bless :)

Love,



Liz, Ben, Zola, and Baby Finch