Why I decided to shave my head

Okay, I feel like it is probably for the best that I address why I shaved my head now because my mom keeps getting concerned calls (I appreciate the love and concern and am happy to know that so many care enough to call), and I know I didn't really forewarn too many people so I am getting what I deserve for that lol. Also, I do want to thank everyone who has told me how great I look. It's pretty scary shaving one's head and if I have ever needed validation for something I have done, it is now!

So, here goes: I did not shave my head because I am sick. I am actually in very good health right now and even though I am tired all of the time that is just because I have a cute little man who likes to keep me busy! I did not shave my head because I am dealing with a crisis in life, or depressed, or losing my mind (although I do think it would be funny to dress up like Brittney Spears for Halloween now...sorry, too much? But I digress). I am actually the happiest I have been in a long time. I am married to an incredible and kind man who is my best friend, I have a beautiful son who I fall more and more in love with each day, and we try to live our days the best we can with love in our hearts and seeking to grow. I am happy and did not shave my head as a cry for help. Also, I wish I had known someone who could have used the support of my shaving my hair off (not that I wish someone had cancer to do that to, please understand I don't mean it like that) but if I had or ever have a friend who needs that support I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

I shaved my head because I have started a self discovery project. In the midst of dealing with such things as an eating disorder in high school, the hubub of growing into a new more independent person in college, getting married, dealing with an early miscarriage early on in marriage, having a very negative experience at a workplace, graduating, and phew having a baby, I feel that I have lost myself a little and I want to find myself again. When so many things happen in a ten year period (if you include high school) and most of the stuff happening in the last two years, you just go with the flow and try to get through it all. I have survived and am so much stronger for it, but I still find myself saying mean things about how I look and disliking the changes of my body and resenting that I have the body I have. Not cool and not okay. I know part of it is dealing with the emotional and mental components of an eating disorder which I will probably have to monitor and keep in check for the rest of my life, but I don't want my children to pick up those habits and I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying kind things to others and building them up and then going right back home and abusing myself with unkind words and tearing down my confidence.

Not only does it hurt me, but it hurts my husband and son who see me and love me for the beautiful woman I am. It hurts Heavenly Father too because I know that He sees me as a beautiful and worthwhile daughter with so much more potential than I ever allow for myself. When I am constantly fixating on my weight and my flaws all it does is distract me from the more important and happy things in life and hold me back from reaching my potential. And I want to find that potential. Part of that was finally going through with a little dream I have had for a while in shaving all of my hair off and realizing that I am beautiful without the hair and that who I am and what my body looks like without my security blankets is beautiful and wonderful and worthwhile.

I want to feel the confidence I exude to others and see myself for the beautiful woman I know I am but don't always feel. That is why I shaved my head. To feel a change and a new beginning as I learn to love myself a little (a lot) more. I may or may not share my experiences as I work to learn to love myself more, but I am journaling my experiences and am already finding that my scripture study is more meaningful. I look in the mirror with more confidence, and I see that even though I feel and look so different that my husband and son only see me for me and love me all the same. If any of you who read this would like to join in with finding more confidence and appreciating your beauty inside and out more, let me know, I'd love to share what helps me and encourage you in your journeys too.

It was so scary getting rid of my security blanket of hair and I still miss it and I have definitely cried at what made me cut my hair, but I am also finding that I look in the mirror and am liking what I see and I am learning to accept this and make it a wonderful positive more and more.

Thank you for reading and thank you again for your support. Please let me know if you'd like to hear more about my project, I'd be happy to share, and if you need/want support I am always happy to give it!

Love,

Liz

Has it seriously been 3 months????

Hello All!

I am so sorry that it's been so long since I last posted on the blog! It has been a C-razy month and a half and our internet was going so slow at the other place that it was harder to post anything let alone a blog post.

So since June a lot has happened! We moved to our new little house and we absolutely love it. It is roomy and it is adorable and it feels like home in so many ways which we've been looking for for a while. We have a yard, and neighbors, and we love our ward. We miss our old ward, but we meet in the same building and see them all of the time which is wonderful. Since joining the new ward we have been and felt so incredibly welcomed by them. We have had so many people come up and introduce themselves, and we even got to go to a ward party yesterday evening and we loved it. It was pretty hard to be so sick when I was pregnant because I felt like it was a huge success when I could even go to church and go to the first meeting and it was hard to get to know people when I was constantly in and out. Now that things have settled down it is so nice to feel a sense of community again. And we definitely feel community in Teton.

Teton, ID, is a small little town (literally little, it's basically a couple of miles long and along the highway and has about 760 people total in the town!) about ten to fifteen miles outside of Rexburg. We found out about it when our friends lived here and when we were looking for a new apartment we found the beautiful loft one in Teton, and then we found this house we are in now in Teton as well. Since moving into Teton, we have fell in love with it. It is so quiet and friendly, and we are so glad we were led here.

Ben was able to get a second job and although I don't get to see him as often as I'd like (which is all the time, so I guess I had to have a dose of reality) we are thrilled to have found it. He is also getting very close to being done with school for Spring semester and won't be back in school until January. This will be awesome because now we can get into a rhythm with work and family life without homework assignments being included :) He is thriving at being a dad and Finch loves his big buddy. They play all of the time and even though Finch doesn't get to see his daddy as much during the week, they enjoy their 3 am feedings and weekends together :)

Finch is three months now. Yes, I did say three months. Where did the time go? I have no idea. I can't believe as I look at my little boy who can hold his head up when we hold him and sit in his bumbo like the big boy he is, or who is downing lots of milk so fast that he is basically doubling in size every other week, how much time has flown by. As much as I miss my little 6 pound baby, I love seeing him grow. I love hearing his almost laugh, and seeing the gummy grin that has won my heart. Whenever I think of that baby commercial that said, "Who knew the love of my life would be a chubby and bald?" I think of my beautiful little boy. I love him so much. Ben loves him so much. We are just enthralled with this spiritual giant who has graced us with his loving presence. He is so funny, and so sweet, and I can't imagine a happier existence than with him being a part of our home. I keep learning new things about him like: he clenches his fists and curls his toes when he eats, he only gets angry and cries when he is hungry and he goes from not hungry to ravenous starved Donner party member in about ten seconds, he loves when we sing to him, and he won't go to sleep without us reading, "Where the Wild Things Are" first. When he gets sad, he sticks out his lower lip, and puckers it just enough to look so sad and so adorable. Poor thing, he tries to make me feel bad and I do, but I have to laugh at his cuteness too. The first thing he does when he sees me is smile, and he squeals and sounds like a dying rabbit when he is mad. He is so unique and so wonderful and I love every minute I get to spend with him!!

Here is the progression of 0-3 months!

My sweet and silly little boy! :)

Working his sad face magic on his Mama. I am such a sucker for his expressions...

As for me, I am currently getting over a double infection that left me in bed most of the week, and I am trying to figure out how to unpack and organize everything. I am also getting into crocheting more. I need a creative outlet when Finch is sleeping besides Grey's Anatomy and Master Chef and I am really enjoying being able to create and see my skills coming together. I am also below my pre-pregnant weight and I am trying to keep it that way. I found within six weeks of Finch being born that my milk supply was drying up, and I have been transitioning to life without a breast pump, nursing pads, or a baby needing only me. It's been about 7 weeks since that started and I think we have a good rhythm now. Also, I feel that how I feed my son is a personal decision and I chose to stop breastfeeding when my body wasn't able to feed him what he needed (and by what he needed I mean that I went from producing 4 ounces a sitting to less than two and then to less than one when he was needing four ounces every 2 hours in just over a week) and when it was making me a sick and an unhappy mother, and since we have switched to formula he has thrived and so have I. I don't know why that happened, but I guess there is a genetic pattern of it in my family so at least I got to breastfeed him while I could :)

That is life for us right now. We are loving life and although it isn't easy and is always teaching me new things, I wouldn't change a thing. It is wonderful being a mother, and as Ben and I approach our two year anniversary next month, I can't help but marvel at the sweetness my life has had since marrying my eternal sweetheart :)

I promise to write more often now that things are coming together and are more regular.

Have a lovely Sabbath!

Love,

Liz, Ben, Finch, and Zola